Nothing but feelings…

Mornings are difficult for me.

At night when I lay my head on my pillow, I am at peace. I am in a world where I appreciate my many blessings: from my health, to my kids, my career, and because God never gave up on me when I was in a time that I had given up on myself.

When I go to bed at night, I have joy in my heart. Laughter in my soul. A love in my life that I never could believe possible. I’m grateful for having one more day to be used by God.

But when I wake up, I am B.C. That is, Before Christ moved in me. Before Christ was allowed into my heart. Before Christ took me out of prison I was locked up in. And I feel hopelessness and despair. I feel unworthy and lost.

Had my circumstances changed while I was asleep? Is my health still the same? Are my kids still amazing? Is my career still thriving? Has God given up on me while I was asleep?

Of course nothing had changed.

But my feelings tell me otherwise.

Feelings are so deceiving. What feels good today isn’t always what is going to feel good tomorrow. We are wired to “feel good”. But what happens when we don’t feel God? That can be a trap to fail.

When I first came to know Jesus as my Savior, I felt like I was on a honeymoon in everything I did. I had the love of my life. He carried me through the chaos. My heart was bubbling and the googly eyes came out every time I spoke of Him and what He’s done for me. But what happens when the newness wears off? He hasn’t changed; He hasn’t stopped being My Everything but sometimes I can’t feel Him in the same way.

In my growth, I have learned that gauging my relationship based on my feelings will lead me astray. Since I don’t feel God with me in the mornings, does that mean He’s not there?

 “Never will I leave you;
   never will I forsake you.”  Hebrews 13:5

God’s promise is written.

This has been an ongoing battle for me in the 6 months I have allowed God to be the pilot of my journey. I sleep with a Bible next to my bed so I am able to get into His Word before I even put my feet on the ground…so I can be reminded of God’s Truth for Amanda every morning when I wake up that broken little girl from what feels like a lifetime ago.

God rescued me from the pits of hell. And He has a purpose for me. And for you.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

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One thought on “Nothing but feelings…

  1. Reading this blog reminds me so much about how I felt during the first few months of my divorce. Getting filled with faith during the day, and waking up forgetting the gift given by God, and the hope I had before I went to sleep. That is an amazing question. What changed while I was asleep? I believe personally that I felt that way to remind me to pray for enough strength to make it through the day. Each day my relationship with God grew stronger because I was starting my day in prayer. And eventually that led to studying, not just reading but truly reading for guidance and knowledge. Sometimes I wake up and I still feel the hurt. But God is good, All the time! All the time, God is good! And remembering that gets me out of bed. To think that the creator of the universe has a personal interest in this poor sinners life reminds me that I am not worthy because of what I’ve done, but my worth comes from what He sacrificed for myself and all of mankind.

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