I am a perfectionist.
When I get it wrong, there isn’t a person in the world who could be harder on me than me.
There are some things I expect to get wrong. For instance, learning a new career I know I will not know everything right away. It frustrates me but when I screw up I am easily able to let it go and brush it off as a lesson learned. When I was engrossed in conversation last Thursday at lunch and accidently had a Cherry Coke, forgetting I had given up caffeine for Lent because I wasn’t intentionally thinking about my choice of beverage, I could easily overcome my disappointment in myself realizing I will have to be more intentional. But when I get it wrong when it comes to God…well that’s a bit more difficult for me to overcome.
And I got it wrong.
But I’m learning.
God is so huge. And so amazing.
He has changed my life so dramatically in such a short amount of time, I can’t help but want to tell the world. Anyone that will listen, I want to share it with. I’m like the Jesus Freak on the corner with the “God will save, the end is near” sign.
And not only do I want to share about Jesus, I want to challenge people about their growth because I have experienced the most growth in my walk with God when I’ve been challenged so I think that’s how others grow too.
But I’m learning that’s not necessarily the case. Nor is it always the time or place.
Perhaps just walking a Christian path is appropriate at times.
Last week was trying. It was a huge lesson in humilty and my pride was greatly affected. I didn’t want to participate in life because of it. My automatic response is to crawl into bed, throw the covers up while I lay there and rehash all the things I’ve ever done wrong in my entire life.
But this time I didn’t do that.
This screw up was big for me because I sincerly didn’t know I was wrong. I really thought I had this one. So for validation, I reached out to a few trusted people in my life. Expecting to hear how right I was, imagine my surprise when no one validated me. Not one person. And in my fleshly response I decided people are so far from perfect, I’ll go and ask my daddy because He knows everything. So I did what I should have in the beginning and cried out to God to show me.
“And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” Luke 11: 9-10
Well when openheartedly crying out to God seeking an answer, I should have been prepared for His response.
I was SHOCKED at how many ways He showed me the same answer over the course of two days. And then when I finally thought I had gotten it, He sent someone else to show me again. Nothing like beating a dead horse…
God is amazing. He is Kind and Just and Powerful and Wonderous and Fulfilling and All Knowing. He is.
And he loves me even when I don’t feel lovable. He loves me when I don’t get it right. He is constantly molding me, shaping me more into His image.
Am I the Jesus Freak on the corner with the sign? Who cares. If that’s the place for it.