In just over 8 hours I will be facing what feels like my biggest failure in life. At 8am, I will be in the courthouse starting mediation for my divorce.
I’ve felt a wide range of emotions over the past week preparing for this day. Frustration, anger, shame, but mostly joy.
Frustration and anger due to the hoops I’ve had to jump through in the past week. Shame for why I am jumping through the hoops. Joy because I realize I have never lost my focus on God during any of it.
And some fear.
Not fear for the future, because I know I am in God’s huge hands, but for what will be said about me on this day. It has been made evident that the game plan of my soon-to-be ex-husband is to attack my character. And I’d be okay with that if what he was attacking was true. If he were to say that I’m a whore who affaired around on him, okay I could own my behavior that caused him to feel that way. I did have two affairs at the tail end of our marriage.
But what he is saying about me is false and unjust, and that makes me angry. And when I get angry, I get emotional and defensive and it’s really difficult to see God’s Light in someone who is emotional and defensive.
So I continue to give it to God. My game plan is to go in and answer the questions truthfully, factually and without defensiveness. My plan is to own where I was wrong but to not accept blame when I wasn’t. My plan includes bringing two prayer warriors with me to help me stay on God’s Path.
As I drove around from appointment to appointment today, taking calls every so often from my attorney requesting more information from me for tomorrow, God kept putting this verse in my head:
“But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue that shall rise against you in judment you shall show to be in the wrong.” Isaiah 54:17
I knew of this verse from my readings in the bible, but wasn’t sure where to find it until I used the internet. But over and over throughout my day, this verse kept running through my head.
God was speaking to me.
Upon realizing that I was important enough for God to communicate directly to me, all of my anxiety, fear and frustration immediately lifted as I let out a laugh. How silly I am to worry…did I not trust God enough to handle it. The God that made all the heavens and the earth; did I not trust Him enough to handle something so small in the big picture as a divorce?! I realized I had taken my trust back from God.
Tomorrow when I go into court, I will do it with a Christ-like attitude. I will show love and grace, will be humble and patient. I know I will do this in Christ’s strength, because I have asked for it in Jesus’ name. And I will mediate with the hopes of putting this chapter behind me at the end of the day.