One year ago this month I was in the final stages of my alcoholism. I was having an affair with a married man who proclaimed his love for me, but would never leave his family. I had been seeing him for a few months but by now knew I deserved more.
On this particular night, we were going out to sing karaoke. He met at my house and we smoked some weed prior to leaving. I was feeling pretty good before walking in the bar and starting the countless number of tequila shots. In fact as the night wore on, I remember arguing twice with the waitress that I hadn’t ordered the next shot of tequila she brought me, but I couldn’t let good tequila go to waste so I drank them anyway.
I remember him saying I had too much to drink to drive him back to his car at my place, so he drove. I remember smoking more weed on the driveway with him but the next memory I have is waking up the next morning in my bed, naked, alone and scared.
It was the first, and last time I blacked out in my alcoholism.
It would take two more months before I’d walk away from drugs and alcohol for good, but the details he provided of my blacked out state was enough for me to walk away from him and not look back.
I knew even with all of the things I had done wrong in my life, I deserved more.
During this, I never would have been able to tell you how amazing life can be without having to disrespect myself to feel it. I never would’ve been able to tell you that things will work out, if I were to just stop trying to be everything to everyone. I never would’ve been able to tell you that I could forgive myself and not hide in shame.
But on the eve of 10 months into a sober way of living, and with God has my Guide, I can tell you all of that.
Today I can tell you that I still have messy situations I have to deal with and in those times I still have the natural reflex to find my identity in your acceptance. I still have the tendency to crave anything that will alter my mood in my trying times – from alcohol and drugs, to men, to shopping, chocolate or even dying my hair (bet you didn’t know that’s how I ended up with dark hair!) None of them work longterm.
Today I will tell you the only way – hear me – the ONLY way I have been able to overcome all I have in the past 10 months is through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. That is the ONLY way. Without Him, all of the AA meetings, mentorings and events I have attended may keep me sober, but not among the living. It truly is only by the blood of Jesus Christ that I am sober and living a passionate life for Him.
All it took was the courage to take one step to reach out for help.
I give thanks to each of my friends and family, the countless stories I’ve heard in the walls of the AA rooms and God for carrying me on this journey that past 10 months. Without your love, support and guidance, I never could be where I am today.
This blog entry was motivated by a conversation I had tonight with a friend who is not far off of where I was a year ago, and is struggling to take that first step towards a rich and abundant life.
You’re in my prayers, friend.