Sometimes I feel scared.
Since I started walking a path aligned with God’s, I have had people say to me things such as “God has a bigger plan for you than you can imagine” or “If God gives 20 spiritual gifts, you’ve got 19 of them” or “You’re an inspiration”.
Just through the course of this weekend, I had different people say to me “You have this aura about you that draws people in. You are amazing” and another tell me that I’ve been “enlightened by God and set apart” and yet another tell me that they can’t wait to see what “God does through me”.
In the beginning of this journey when I would be complimented, I felt so excited that God would find me worthy to use. And I loved it when people noticed.
Now it just plain scares me.
I have worked so hard lately to be sure to find my identity only in God, not in people, so if I give too much weight to people’s observations of my life when it’s positive, I’m going to do the same if it’s negative or or not noticed. I don’t want to count on this for my growth or feelings of worthiness.
It also scares me because I know without a doubt, the growth I’ve experienced has nothing to do with me. Some would argue that because I have to be willing to do the hard work but if God weren’t the Primary Component, I would not be who I am.
But mostly my scared feeling comes from my own fear of success. I believe this is an issue I have deeply rooted within me. I haven’t even begun to unpack this bag…where this came from, what it means today or how to overcome it…maybe vocalizing it through this blog is the first step…but I know that I always used to think the theme song to my life was “Hazard to Myself” by Pink. I’ve listed some of the lyrics here if you are not familiar.
Never win first place, I don’t support the team
I can’t take direction and my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cause I can’t do nothing right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
Can’t take the person staring back at me
I’m a hazard to myself don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you don’t know yourself
So irritating…don’t want to be my friend no more
I want to be somebody else.
When I look at my life, even in recovery, I can still see some of this. And that scares me.
So let me set the record straight. I am anything but amazing…and there are plenty of people out there who would agree if given the opportunity. I am an alcoholic with two failed marriages under my belt, three broken children and a mess of a life I am working hard to reclaim. The fact that I’ve come so far in ten months is only by God’s doing. So if you call me amazing and I tell you that I’m a mess no different than you, I’m not being humble, I am just being honest.
If you see something you like in me, you can have it too. But you can’t get it from me. No person in the world will provide you what only God can. I will let you down. I will hurt and disappoint you. God never will.
Sometimes I feel scared. But I know as God as my guide, there will be no storm I can’t face.