What I write is my truth as I know it today.
I say that because I am coming to realize as I am getting older that I don’t know everything. Now just hold on…don’t raise your hands, jump up and down and say “it’s about time she admits that” because I truly have never believed I’ve known EVERYthing. But I have firmly believed I’ve known most things as I’ve experienced it.
Which is why this part of my journey is especially troublesome for me.
I don’t remember all of the details from the night I was raped. There are a few things that I clearly remember, but from the moment the guy forced himself into my motel room to until after I left the motel, I don’t have a clear account of that block of time.
And I was thankful for that. Because of that I really didn’t have to deal with the emotional fall out of it.
But over the weekend, it proved especially paralyzing for me when I had an experience that triggered that memory.
In an instant, I was back in that dingy motel room. My wrists being held down. His tongue in my ear. I was suffocated by his body on top of mine. I couldn’t move.
In my mind, I relived that moment all over again.
Only this time, when it was over, I didn’t pick up a bottle to cope with it. I couldn’t pick up a bottle to drink it away.
The disease of alcoholism is a matter of life or death in my world. If I fail, it likely will kill me. Drinking away this pain is not an option for me.
But I don’t know any other way to function. I feel angry and hurt and shame…I feel lost.
I wasn’t drunk when I was raped. I disassociated from the experience as it happened – mentally checked out to not feel the impact of the trauma I was going through. It’s a defense mechanism that can occur to help a person survive.
Strangely enough, today I am thankful that memory came back to me. I am thankful that this part of it won’t hold me captive any longer. It gives me hope. I wish I could remember the rest so I can put it behind me, but I know this process of recovery comes in time and I can’t rush it.
I just want a “to do” list. I want someone to tell me exactly what hoops I need to jump through so I don’t have to feel this pain anymore. But I know that’s not realistic.
So I will be patient for God’s Timing.
From time to time I will cry. I may be walled or standoffish. I may be withdrawn. But I will recover.
I don’t know everything, but for today I know exactly what I need to.