Last night, like many other nights, I had a dream. Like most, it was an accumulation of events going on in my day to day life with some additives.
I awoke at 5am from this dream, feeling strong and at peace. Eventually, I fell back to sleep but as the day had gone on, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
In my dream I was on an airplane (last week I booked some airline tickets, so I’m sure that where the scene came from) but it was a small plane and there were just a few people on board. Something went wrong and we were going to crash. Ben was the pilot. He directed me to the back of the plane where the black box recording was and left me alone to say my last words (this likely from the movie “Flight” I watched last weekend).
For some reason, I thought Ben may survive so I said my last words to him. Then to my parents. And lastly to my kids. All I could say to my kids is “Follow God…follow God…follow God”.
And that’s what had me thinking all day.
In my dream, I was at peace with dying. In fact, I said to Ben in my last words that I will be waiting for him in Heaven. I knew where I was going and I was okay with that.
But fully awake, it has left me emotional.
Follow God…follow God…follow God.
I didn’t think I wanted to waste my time telling my kids that I love them, because I believe they know that and it wasn’t “eternity” important.
As this has been floating in my mind all day, I realized how much my heart aches for them to follow God.
On a day to day basis, I find it so easy for me to get caught up in worry when it comes to my kids. With some of the choices they make, my mind can easily go down a path of where they’re going to end up. I see bad decisions as indicators of hard times yet to come. Perhaps they are. Perhaps they are just kids being kids.
What I do know is children model the behavior of those around them. And it makes me stop and really question myself about what behavior I am demonstrating. Those on the outside looking in tell me they see Christ in me, but do the people who are closest to me also see Christ? Am I truly the same person in the safety of my home as I am when I’m in church?
If kids model behaviors of those around them, and I want my child to model the behavior of God, then when I’m making decisions perhaps I need to ask myself “Is this what I would advise my child to do?”
If I am in my car every day deliberately choosing to disobey the speed limit posted, is this what I would tell my child is okay for them to do? If I don’t get out of bed to go to church one day a week, is this what I would tell my child is okay for them to do? If I take a sick day from work and rationalize it that I truly am sick of work, is this what I would tell my child is okay for them to do?
Parenting is so hard. Every move we make is absorbed by our children. They know if we lie to get what we want. They knew if we cheat, steal, gossip, envy, are impatient…they demonstrate what they see.
When I die, I don’t want my last words to my children to be to follow God. I want them to already have that in practice.
For the first time in my blogging, I have sat here looking at this curser flash for hours. I don’t know how to end this…because perhaps this not the end.