I have an addictive personality. If I hear a word repeatedly, I will easily and unintentionally adopt it into my vocabulary. “Dude” is a great example of this. Just out of high school, everyone I knew – girl and boy alike – was a dude. And it was mostly used as “Yah dude”, as I picked it up around friends when I lived in the Boston area.
Alcohol was no exception for me, although I didn’t realize it was an addiction for a very long time. Up until my last run with it, I could put it down as long as life was going smoothly. Sometimes I would go months and months without drinking, but then when a problem hit, I would turn to alcohol. Perhaps the last run I had before I walked away from it for good lasted longer because my situation lasted longer…perhaps it was because my job was in wine sales so it was easy and convenient to turn to. Whatever the case, it was something I became addicted to…long before I knew I had a problem.
And here I am again. Facing another addiction. This has been a lifelong addiction that I’ve never been able to conquer. At a few very far and between times, I have been able to control it but never for long. And each time my willpower hasn’t been enough, it’s gotten worse.
I am a compulsive overeater.
This may not be news to anyone other than me, but it is something I am learning to accept. I obsess about food and I almost always eat beyond the point of fullness. In coming to the realization of it, I’ve been able to reason it out. It’s an addiction too hard to overcome. With alcohol, all I have to do is not drink it, but I have to eat to survive, right?
Well sure, part of that is right. I do have to eat to survive, but don’t I have to drink to survive as well? It’s what I’m drinking that needed to change with my alcoholism and it’s what I eat that has to change with a food addiction. Most of my food intake consists of high sugar and starches.
“Whatever you’re feeding will grow.”
I’ve heard that for so long, and I’ve followed that in many areas of my life. I stay away from violent movies because I tend to feel angry after watching them. I am careful of the sexy images my eyes are exposed to because I can struggle with lust and I know that will grow with exposure to those images.
So I wonder if this principal applies to broccoli and carrots. I clearly remember the last time I craved a Kit-Kat (ahem, yesterday), but I certainly can’t remember the last time I craved a carrot. Oh right, because I never have. Nor have I ever developed an opportunity to grow that desire, because I’ve never eaten them.
In 2006-2007 I was on a mission. I wanted acceptance from someone in my life and the only thing I felt I could do to gain it was lose weight. I had done everything else I knew to do at that point. I lost the first 30 pounds with help from God. I prayed and prayed and He made it so the eating changes weren’t difficult. He transformed my thinking. The last 20 was with the help of a trainer. I ran over 20 road races (5k). I hated every step of every one, ended dead last in the majority of them, but I accomplished it. And it felt good. But it didn’t accomplish what I was looking for – acceptance. When I realized that, I slowly gave up.
I quit exercising, which led to my food choices changing back to my old comfortable ways.
That’s one thing I’ve learned about myself. It’s so much easier for me to choose the right foods if I am exercising. My mind knows how hard my body has worked, and it doesn’t find that Kit-Kat worth the trade off.
But my addiction goes much deeper than that.
To this point, I’ve believed that my God is big enough to conquer every problem in the world, except this one. Or maybe I haven’t consciously thought that, but it’s what I’ve lived as I’ve tried to manage it on my own.
What I’m dealing with isn’t just a food problem. It’s a spiritual matter. Is my God big enough to handle this?
With the faith of a mustard seed, I am answering “yes”. Yes, God is big enough to handle EVERYTHING.
And I believe all is requires from me is being in communication with Him. Praying. Talking to Him. Listening to Him to guide me. And praying more.
Hold on, I need to break that down a little further. I am in communication with God all the time. But not about this. Not about this food addiction.
I believe as I continue to take the steps I started a couple of weeks ago, He will allow a mind transformation to occur.
I went to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting for some “tips” on how to walk this journey. For accountability. I am receiving that. But I have to say I was flabbergasted at how few people utilize it. We are a fat nation. And perhaps we’ve become content in our unhealthiness, but I’m hoping people just don’t know help is out there and that it’s free.
What area of your life are you saying that God isn’t big enough to handle? Do you have the faith of a mustard seed? That’s not much, but it’s all God requires. I encourage you to walk this journey of healthiness. Watching me grow into a healthier me will not help you do the same.
Whatever you think is too big for God, give Him a try. Allow Him to prove you wrong! And watch yourself grow into a healthier you!
Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”