change, daughter

Letting go of what once was…

Change is hard. It doesn’t matter if it is change we desire and set out to make, or if circumstances demand our response to change. Change is just hard.

In August, we moved my first born to college an hour away. She has been prepared for such a time as this, but I don’t remember getting myself prepared. Moving day just showed up one day and I’ve been navigating through what that means for my life. It’s so much quieter at home. The good noise and the teenage noise she brought has left a deafening silence. I’ve also lost my unpaid taxi driver. We provided the vehicle and gas, and she provided the rides for the other kids. It sure was a blessing.

Change is letting go of what once was.

This August brought promotion to my youngest son, who entered into high school. He chose to go to the public school, instead of the private school he’s been in the last two years. This new school also meant learning a new trade route. On the first day, I missed the exit and almost made him late.

Change takes time to get used to.

The majority of this year has been spent living out of a suitcase. I haven’t had easy access to “my stuff” which cleared a fog that stuff provides. I realized somehow I’ve lost touch with who I am. In my distractions and caring for everyone around me, I’ve forgotten to remember myself. In the clearing, I found myself resentful of parts of my life.

When the pain of staying where you are is more painful than change, I’ll choose change.

Who am I? What do I enjoy? What fuels me?

We all need something that’s ours. Something that we can call our own. I need something I can build and enjoy and feel refueled. Similar to how I feel when I’m blogging or when I’m able to welcome a newcomer to church. Oh, I love the feeling of helping a new person acclimate to their surroundings. It is incredibly bucket filling for me.

It’s this realization that has prompted me to make a career change. When I started with my company a few years ago, they knew this career step would happen eventually, but my fear of failing has kept me paralyzed. I’m not passionate about my job anymore. I’ve known I needed to do this, but change is scary.

Letting go is hard.

I’m in the beginning stages of training up my replacement at work and letting go of my position, while pushing back against feeling threatened and unneeded. I’m working hard to not have to feel a need to control everything, and hoping I can experience some cool things if I lean into this journey. Some days is easier than others.

Journeys take us to different territories and on different terrain. I’m in a land of the unfamiliar. There’s some fear, with much anticipation. There’s adventure and waves and sun. I might get sunburnt, but I’ll recover.

And when necessary, I’ll change.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s